You Oughta Be in Pictures by Polis Loizou at Old Red Lion 21, 22 October, 2026
“Rich, dark and satisfying as a slice of Devil’s food cake.” ★★★ ½
The stage is empty except for a director’s chair with the name Polis printed on the back. Polis Loizou, writer, performer, author, and poet, hosts and reveals a dark and demonic tale based on the discovery of some ‘lost’ Hollywood audition tapes. There’s no projector or sound, only the imagination of the audience and clarity of the writing, performing and story-telling to guide us.
Kenneth Anger’s
Hollywood Babylon is clearly an influence in terms of content and tone, reveling in Hollywood exploitation, sleaze and tragedy. Loizou morphs into Lazlo Parker, a demonic director of 1940s Hollywood horror movies: “Death sells! It’s the sister of sex.” He transforms from self-effacing scholar to an alpha-male American director who encourages, flatters and cajoles a young male actor from Ohio hoping to replace his former star who met an untimely end.
In a dickie bow tie, waistcoat and sports shoes, Parker—a cross between John Walters, Jimmy Hill and Satan—summons a slippery, charismatic, untrustworthy presence, one who regales the young man from the Midwest with insider knowledge and superior wisdom. He calls him "Handsome” and compliments his beautiful eyes. “Cyclops” , his one-eyed camera, records all this and also loves his eyes.
As the tale unfurls - what really happened to the last guy? Is this really a cursed movie? The mood darkens and becomes more sinister. He reveals numerous tragedies of suicide, exploitation and diabolocal goings on. It’s a riveting monologue with an impressive base of research and pleasurable wordsmithery. This captivating performance - if a little static - offers a chilling narrative.
At its core, this is a strong, self-assured monologue and it’s no surprise Loizou won Best Actor at this year’s Buxton Fringe. The piece could be elevated with some simple technical additions; at the very least the sound of a crackling projector or some demonic bass notes—something a director could add. If audiences could experience some of these ‘lost’ tapes, that would be the blood red cherry on this rich, dark and satisfying slice of theatrical Devil’s food cake.
