Hercules Poirot interrogates new theatre company: We’re Gonna Be A Dad!

After finding themselves in the basement interrogation room of a smoky police station being investigated by the eponymous hero himself, they’re not so sure. Read on to find out what it’s all about as the son of Zeus-turned-sleuth, Hercules Poirot, fires questions at company directors Xavier Newton Fawcett and Charlie Sharpe.

Hercules Poirot: Where were you on the night of the 17th?

Xavier: Wm wghr rmghmmghw!

Hercules rips off the duct tape.

Xavier: We were rehearsing!

Pray tell, for what?

Charlie: A musical about a super strong detective that solves crimes where both brains and brawn are required to crack the case.

And which super strong detective would that be?

Xavier: Jumbo Columbo?

Tell me the truth!

Charlie: Fine! Hercules Poirot! It’s about you. Happy?

Xavier: So, you were just never duct taped?

Charlie: I cooperated.

An unauthorised biography, eh? Sounds legally troublesome.

Xavier: It’s a parody! The show only really makes small references to Christie’s novels, and the Hercules stuff’s all just myth anyway.

Charlie: The law’s pretty good with these things.

Wait wait wait, I’m confused. Why would you go from unnecessarily high levels of exploratory pretention to a jaunty little show about a bulging Belgian bloodhound?

Charlie: Well, I learnt to read a room.

Ah.

Xavier: I’ve always been more interested in creating shows that are about having a great time here and now at the theatre. Inspired by other fringe theatre I’ve made and seen in the past, I’m all about high-energy characters, small casts, costume changes, props flying across the stage, and the excitement of making a show you’re not quite sure you’ll be able to pull off. Taking your one silly idea you have with a mate and going ‘how many people can I get in on this joke?’.

Charlie: That’s where I come in.

So, this is not ‘Wet Bee, Can’t Leave’?

Xavier: We’ve formed a new company for this sort of theatre. So, he can have the more dramatic-comedy think-pieces over there, and we can have the song-and-dance, pie-in-the-face theatre over here. We’re called ‘We’re Gonna Be A Dad!’.

I see. So, you think what I do is some sort of joke? That there’s any common ground between detective work and un petit chanson?

Charlie: Well, City of Angels. The Singing Detective. Cop Rock. If anything, the market’s oversaturated.

Xavier: The songs are more there to contribute to the feel of the show. To let the audience know early-doors what they’re in for. A tongue-in-cheek romp combining light elements of Greek Mythology with everyone’s favourite moustachioed Belgian super-sleuth.

Are you trying to flatter me? If I find out this show is only being put on to mock me, I’ll be coming back with a vengeance - and a warrant.

Xavier: This is my love letter to the absurdities and intricacies of both murder mysteries and Greek legends. There’s the added oddity that most heroes are strong or smart, but you’re both.

Thank you …

Xavier: … but I’ll be honest, we wanted to highlight that despite being a character most men would aspire to be like – you are flawed.

I don’t know about …

Xavier: … let me finish. You grew up not needing help from anybody, right? You’re not used to asking for it. In fact, you’ll do anything in your power to avoid taking advice even if it means putting yourself and others in danger. Everybody has a point in their lives when they need to rely on friends to get through a challenge. Unfortunately for you, this realisation will only come about when you’re at your lowest low. Nobody wants to see a case that Poirot can solve with his eyes closed and nobody cares to hear how Hercules moved a large boulder. That’s what they do on a daily basis. But a crime that stumps even the great Hercules Poirot? That breaks him open, so we see what’s at his core? That’s what the audiences pay to see.

And do I solve it? Do I come out stronger?

Xavier: No spoilers.

It looks like there’s nothing I can do to stop this happening, then?

Xavier: Afraid not.

Charlie: It’s already selling.

Then I’m already too late. In which case, I don’t suppose you’d mind telling me who’s playing me?

Xavier: I am.

Charlie: I am.

Xavier: Fine.

Oh!

Charlie: Oh?

What? No, nothing, it’s fine. It’s just…can you grow a moustache?

Charlie: I have a moustache.

Look boys, I’ll be straight with you. Crimes against good taste aren’t technically a bookable offense, and I’m really meant to be helping with a murder case right now. I say, no harm no foul, you just wrap this up and I’ll let you off with a warning.

Xavier: Will we see you there?

I’m not your dad.

Xavier: We’ll save you a seat.

You’re wasting a seat.

Xavier: You’re wasting an evening.

Charlie: Xavier, the man’s a homicide detective.

Xavier: Sorry, you’re right.

Charlie: Save him two.

I’ll bring a date.